hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
