life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
