I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
