Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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