Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
