You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
