I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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