There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
