i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
