just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
