your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
As shirtless as possible
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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