FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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