FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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