I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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