I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
