Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
