Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
