WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
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I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
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Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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