I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All the doctor said was why
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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