i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
