Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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