You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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