Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
