just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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