sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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