A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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