she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
