He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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