my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
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Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
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Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.