just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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