im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
