i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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