I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
