My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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