My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
