My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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