Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
