Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
