mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
