It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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