I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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