no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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