talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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