If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
