my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
