dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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