There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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