I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
