One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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