If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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