i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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