It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
