somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
