the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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